There is no "new" definition of "cuckold"

I've read a lot of different opinions lately about cuckolding, and what a cuckold is (or isn't). I'm a stickler for language. Language, and the definitions of terms, provides a consistent reference for communication. If I say I'm a woman everyone know what I am. Consistent definition is what makes that possible. Everyone doesn't have a different meaning for the term woman.

Cuckold is no different. Some people insist the definition for cuckold has changed. No, not according to Merriam-Webster, is hasn't. A cuckold has always been a man whose wife has sex with someone outside the marriage. That's STILL the definition and it's the ONLY definition. 

I read countless opinions of people who are trying to hijack the definition of cuckolding to fit what THEY wish it meant. Worse yet, they insist that everyone else accept THEIR new interpretation. 

Some believe all cuckolding must include FemDom play or male humiliation. Others want interracial sex to be required. Some want it to include sissification and crossdressing, or forced bisexuality. Some demand that the cuckold must be bound and helpless, or fluff the bull or be denied sex for years.

That's bullshit. NONE of that is cuckolding. Those are all SEPARATE fetishes, added to cuckolding. Cuckolding is nothing more than the wife having sex with someone else. That's it. 

Many couples practice FemDom and humiliation, but remain monogamous. That's not cuckolding. 
Many couples enjoy cross-dressing but remain monogamous. That's not cuckolding.
Many married couples enjoy bondage, but remain monogamous. That's not cuckolding. 
Some married men are bisexual, but don't share their wife. That's not cuckolding.

Don't get me wrong. Combining fetishes is cool, if that's your thing. But please don't push your combination of kinks onto the rest of us kinksters, and insist that we accept your "new" definition of cuckolding, just because it suits YOU. The remaining millions of cuckolds and cuckoldresses are perfectly content with the traditional definition, and doing our thing without all of the other kinks that some of you insist on including.

End of rant! Happy wife fucking... :)


How to make a cuckold squirm (Intense cucking!)

These are more extreme ideas for those who have been into cuckolding for years. Most of these came from an experienced bull that I met. Read these with caution. LOL

The wife, cuckold and Bull all go to a restaurant together. The wife sits beside her cuckold. After ordering the wife and Bull go to the car together for a quickie. Then they return to the table in time to enjoy the meal together. The wife doesn’t immediately fix her hair and makeup. Instead she returns directly to the table, and makes a point of kissing her cuckold on the lips. She then takes a seat beside her Bull for the rest of their meal. The look from the waiter can be priceless!

The wife starts to feign interest in having intercourse with her cuckolds, and NEVER shows any interest or response during sex. She should act bored and disinterested, including comments that indicate her lack of enthusiasm. She should feign yawns, check the time, or check her phone during sex. She should never thrust against her cuckold or show any physical response. She needs to diligently resist orgasms through mental control, or shifting positions to make it less likely any time she senses one getting close. If she should accidentally have an orgasm, she should suppress it as much as possible. It's important to appear to be thinking about other things, and say things like: “How much longer?” “Come on. Hurry up".  

However, when having sex with her Bull or any other man the wife should ALWAYS be overly vocal, demonstrative and show her orgasms. She should encourage her Bull to fuck her, cum in her, use her pussy and so on. She needs to moan, scream, buck, hump, wrap her legs around him tightly, dig her nails in, French-kiss and everything else to show her eagerness. She should also talk to her cuckold while being fucked, making sure to smile at him and reinforce how much better the sex is with the Bull than it is with her cuckold. It's important that she use those totally different reactions to demonstrate that she prefers sex with her Bull, not her cuckold.

Have the Bull spend the evening at the couple's home, with the cuckold present. However, the wife should ignore her cuckold for the night. The wife should treat the Bull as if he's a hot, new boyfriend, showing plenty of affection in front of the cuckold. They should all spend time socializing in the living room, perhaps watching a movie or porn. The wife should be seated beside the Bull with lots of kissing, teasing, groping and so on. If either the Bull or the wife becomes uncomfortable with the cuckold seeing this, then the cuckold should be told to leave the room. 

Have the cuckold serve as personal butler to the wife and Bull, providing drinks, snacks, going to get take-out food, etc. The cuckold should also shop for and stock ahead of time any beer, liquor, or snacks that the Bull and wife prefer. The cuckold should prepare the bedroom, including changing the sheets, lighting candles, providing towels, lube, etc. The wife and Bull might text the cuckold from the bedroom whenever they require something. Tease the cuckold while doing so. Ex:“Be a good little cucky and make us a drink won’t you? Good boy…..”

On a night when the Bull is staying over at the couple's home and sleeping in the guest room, before everyone turns in, the wife and Bull arrange a predetermined time for the Bull to slip into the marital bed. He should be free to crawl between the wife's legs and fuck her right beside hubby, waking him up. An alternative would be for the wife to sneak to the guest room for the same action, and then either return to her sleeping cuckold, or finish the night sleeping with the Bull. 

For more advanced couples, have the cuckold sleep on the floor or in a separate guest room, with the Bull sleeping in the marital bed with the wife. When doing this, the wife might want to visit the hubby occasionally, so that he can touch, taste and smell the sex on her body, or perform clean up duty on her if she directs him.

Have the cuckold drive the wife to the Bull's house for sex. Then make him wait in the Bull’s living room while the wife is taken to the bedroom to get fucked. The cuckold should be summoned to the bedroom between fucks for a round of cleanup and a dose of humiliation.

Have the cuckold contact the Bull and request that he come over to fuck the wife. Make him admit that only the Bull can give the wife the sex she deserves. In this situation it's expected that the wife and Bull will berate the cuckold during sex, pointing out the Bull's larger endowment and superior skills in bed, with plenty of talk about the wife preferring the Bull over the cuckold. Afterward have the cuckold thank the Bull for coming over and fucking the wife.

While the Bull is fucking the wife missionary-style have the wife and cuckold remove their wedding rings, and place them on the wife's stomach, side by side. Then have the Bull pull out and shoot his cum over both rings. This is highly symbolic on many levels. 

Another option is have the wife use her fingers to part her pussy lips, exposing her clitoral hood. Make the cuckold place and hold his wife's wedding ring centered directly over his wife’s clitoris. When ready the Bull should pull out and fill the ring with his sperm. Another option would be for the cuckold to take the Bull's cock in his hand, to direct the Bull's sperm into his wife's wedding ring. Afterward, have the wife insert her finger into the ring and masturbate her cum-covered clit.

The wife gives the Bull a blowjob, or they have sex, in a semi-public place while the hubby stands guard as lookout (under a bridge, in an underground car park, on a deserted beach, etc).

The wife and Bull declare themselves an open couple, forgoing any need for discretion. When out in public together the Bull becomes free to put his arm around the wife, kiss, hold hands, and show typical PDA as if he were her boyfriend, and the wife is free to reciprocate without any concern of being caught by others. 

The wife and Bull surprise the cuckold as he returns home from work, unexpectedly finding the Bull in his bed and fucking his wife when he walks in. For maximum humiliation it's important that the wife is unapologetic and gives all appearances of enjoying any discomfort this may cause her cuckold. 

While the cuckold and wife are at a public function or party the Bull arranges to stop by and discreetly whisk the wife away to a private spot, have sex with her, then return her to the party. She may choose to inform her cuckold immediately of her actions, or wait until they've left the party before letting him know. Another option is to do the same thing, but let others see the wife slipping away with the Bull, to create some gossip and possibly humiliate the cuckold.

Have the cuckold lay against the headboard of the bed, with his wife leaning against him or laying on him, so that he can feel the power of the Bull's thrusts while she's being fucked. Have the cuckold and wife look into each other’s eyes while doing this. A variation is to get into a position where the cuckold and wife can kiss intimately while she’s being fucked, so the cuckold can feel her breaths while being pounded, and when she and the Bull cum. 

The wife tells the hubby she fantasizes about being impregnated by her Bull and would consider having his baby. She could tell her cuckold he would make a good father for the Bull's child. This sort of teasing becomes mind-blowing if hubby thinks there’s any possibility the wife may be serious. Keep him guessing. The wife should do her best to be convincing, even though she's surely bluffing. The Bull can also participate in this, saying that the Bull would love that, and he intends to do everything he can to "knock her up". 

Keep the cuckold off balance. Let him watch sometimes and not at other times. Allow the cuckold to stay and watch the Bull begin fucking the wife. Just as the cuckold is getting settled in, order him out of the room and make him lock the door. 

Order the cuckold to eat his wife's pussy or lick her clit while the Bull is fucking the wife (69 is a good position for this). Consider making the cuckold masturbate while doing this. The cuckold will try to avoid contact with the Bull, but the Bull should intentionally thrust, move and gyrate his hips to brush his balls and cock against the cuckold's face as much as possible. The cuckold could be made to remain in the position until the Bull cums inside the wife, allowing the cuckold to immediately start to clean up the wife's pussy (hint - if the cuckold is hesitant to do cleanup have the wife suck on his cock to motivate him).

The wife and Bull should both insist that the cuckold perform cuckold cleanup duties immediately after the Bull finishes. They should both be dominant and demanding about this task, and lightly humiliate the cuckold while he does this. The wife can say things like "Clean up his mess", "Lick up the cum from a real cock", "That's what a real man tastes like", etc. The Bull can tell him to "Eat my cum", "Clean her up so I can fuck her again", "Get it all before she gets pregnant". Comments like this are highly arousing to the cuckold. The Bull might also want to push the cuckold's head into his wife's pussy as he prepares to do this, or the wife may want to "pull" his head into her crotch as she demands his cleanup service.

The Bull sends the wife back home to the cuckold after sex, with messages written on her body in NON-permanent magic markers, such as Slut, Whore, Slave, I hate my husband, For real men only, Big cocks only, Cum on me, Use me, or with arrows pointing to her pussy with saying Cum Here, Black cocks only, etc. This can be creative and fun.

When the cuck is present and watching, command him to grab the Bull's cock and guide it into his wife's pussy. It’s fun to make him hold a much bigger cock than his own, and at the same time put it in the pussy that the Bull has taken from him. There is a high humiliation factor involved. For more fun, make him put the tip in, then stroke the Bull as if he's masturbating with a much larger cock. Comments from the wife can be particularly entertaining when doing this.

While the cuckold is watching the Bull and wife having sex, make him fuck a blow up doll or fleshlight at the same time. Tell him that he can continue watching as long as he doesn't cum, but if he cums then he must immediately leave the room. He will fight his orgasm, but watching his wife having sex makes is almost impossible not to. Make sure to have the wife poke fun at him while doing this.

If the wife and the Bull have sex bareback, make the cuckold wear a condom any time he has sex with his wife, regardless of whether or not the Bull is present. This sends the message that the wife wants the Bull's cum, but not the cuckold's cum.

Another condom variation is to have the Bull wear a condom when he has sex with the wife, and ejaculate into the condom. After finishing, the Bull should have the cuckold remove the full condom from the Bull's penis, and place it onto his own penis. He is then commanded to masturbate into the cum-filled condom. The wife and Bull should both comment on how the condom is much too big for the cuck's small penis. 

After the Bull has had sex with the wife once or twice, and she is well stretched, invite the cuck to have a go at his wife. The wife should then snicker and laugh at his attempts, working together with the Bull to humiliate the cuckold’s feeble attempts to pleasure his wife. 

After the Bull fucks the wife and cums inside her, have the wife lie on her back and spread her legs. Then instruct the cuckold to sit between her legs and have the wife masturbate, while she looks at her cuck and tells him to look at a "satisfied pussy" and how much better and more satisfying the Bull was than the cuckold.

The Bull calls the wife every night before she goes to bed, or right after she turns in, for intimate conversations. This will have her thinking of the Bull every night as she falls asleep, and may have the added advantage of annoying or threatening the cuckold. Consider having the cuckold perform oral sex on the wife while she is talking to the Bull. The Bull may also consider calling or texting the wife late at night and tell her to leave her bed and come to the Bull’s home for late night sex. 

Have the cuckold tie his wife to their marital bed spread eagle and blindfold her for the Bull to arrive. Then the Bull makes the cuckold watch as he repeatedly uses the wife, and doesn't allow her to be untied until after the Bull has left. For more spice, the Bull could arrive with a friend to share the wife. The cuckold and the wife may or may not be aware that another friend would be coming over. 

All three go to an adult theater. The Bull and the wife sit together upfront, with the cuckold sitting alone in the back, watching anything that might happen. The Bull and wife may also choose to enter a private booth, but without the cuckold. Whatever happens is between the Bull, the wife and anyone else they might include. The cuckold may only observe. 

The Bull gets the wife to perform a sex act she seldom (or never) does with her cuckold, such as an orgy, threesome, flashing, anal, DP, public sex, etc. It s important that the wife agrees only because of her desire to please the Bull. It's even better if she agrees to do something for the Bull which she has never done for her cuckold, even though the cuckold may have spent years trying to get her to do so.

The Bull places the demand on the cuckold and wife that they are to stop having intercourse. This is up to the wife to enforce, as the Bull will not always be around. However, if the wife enforces the ban it sends a strong signal to the cuckold that the Bull and the wife are in agreement, making them the couple and him the outsider. 

When the wife visits the Bull at his home for sex he attempts to persuade her to stay the entire night and go home the next morning (hint - alcohol is your friend!). Another option is for the Bull and wife to prearrange this in advance, without the cuckold knowing that the wife will not be returning home that night.

The Bull takes the wife out of town on a business or pleasure trip, and they travel together as a couple. This trip could be anything from a weekend to multiple weeks. 

The cuckold, wife and Bull visit a swing club, group sex event, or attend a house party, with the Bull and the wife acting as the couple, and the cuckold restricted to watching only. If there are other single males attending then the cuckold must join and remain with the singles group. The cuckold should also drive to and from this event, allowing the wife and Bull to play in the back seat. 

The Bull fucks the wife in the marital bed while she's wearing her wedding dress (if the dress isn’t available, bridal lingerie works just as well). The cuckold needs to be present. During the simulated honeymoon, the wife should express her regret that she didn’t marry the Bull instead, since he has the “real cock” she needs, and if she married him she wouldn't have to settle for less and be unsatisfied. The Bull makes similar comments, that he wishes she were his wife so he could give her the cock she needs every night, etc. (major threat trigger for the cuck).

Have the cuckold drive his wife to the Bull's home, with her wearing nothing but a full-length coat, lingerie, or even being fully naked (for the very brave!). Have him return at a prearranged time to pick her up, or make him hang nearby and wait for a text/call to return for her. An option would be to have the cuckold wait in the living room. 

Have the cuckold “prepare” his wife’s pussy for the Bull, going down on her to make sure she is ready for penetration. If the cuckold remains present and watching, the Bull could potentially have him do this whenever they take a break or change positions, and between every fuck, with it becoming a combination of cleanup and preparation."

When the Bull is at the couple’s home the cuckold is required to wear a Tee shirt that says “I don’t satisfy my wife”, "Pee wee penis", or a similar humiliating slogan.  

Have the wife kneel in front of the Bull, and have her cuckold stand behind her, holding her head in his hands while the Bull fucks her mouth until he cums. 

The Bull texts the cuckold the day of a "date", telling the cuckold how much the Bull is looking forward to borrowing the wife for the night. The Bull should make it clear that he intends to use the wife as his sexual plaything and he will be doing things with her that the cuckold cannot accomplish. The Bull could also instruct the cuckold what he wants the wife to be wearing, whether he wants her pussy shaved, etc., before he picks her up.

The Bull shares the wife openly with others, without the permission of the cuckold (the wife may or may not have a say depending on their relationship). This sharing could include friends, other Bulls, or couples. It could include threesomes or group play, at private parties or swinging functions. The cuckold has no approval and must accept anyone the Bull chooses to play with the wife. 

The Bull and wife arrange times for the Bull to stop by without the cuckold being aware he was coming. This could be any time, day or night, including midday, ‘nooners’ or late night quickies. The wife should never apologize for the Bull's actions, and should always act accommodating, as if she is eager to have him over any time. This is exceptionally powerful when the wife agrees to allow the Bull to interrupts any plans the couple may have had, such as dinner plans, family time, etc.

The Bull stops by the couples’ home on short notice late at night, after the couple has turned in. This is particularly effective if the Bull has been out drinking and is horny and demanding. The Bull arrives and gets right to it. He fucks the wife in their bed, perhaps with the cuckold laying there beside her. The Bull cums in the wife, then immediately dresses and departs, leaving the cuckold and wife alone to deal with the aftermath. 

Use a video camera to tape the Bull and the wife having sex, and then have her go home to her cuckold to show him the videotape. The Bull or wife can also use a cell phone to take pics or vids while having sex, and send them to the cuckold. The wife or Bull can make copies, and tease the cuckold that they will show his closest friends the footage if he steps out of line and doesn't do what is demanded. 

The Bull 'titty fucks' the wife, while making the cuckold lay beside her with a bottle of lube. Have the hubby continuously apply liberal amounts of lube to his wife's cleavage until the Bull cums. 

After the wife begins seeing a Bull regularly, she makes her cuckold start to move selected personal items from the master bedroom over to the guest room. She also makes the cuckold empty a drawer or make closet space for some of the Bull’s personal items. She might add a pillow to the bed that the Bull prefers, or make other changes to the bedroom that signifies her desire to customize it for her preferred sex partner. 

The wife demonstrates a growing aversion to the cuckold’s cum, and at the same time she becomes enthusiastic for the Bull’s cum. She stops taking her cuckold’s cum in her pussy and mouth. She makes him jack off into Kleenex, toilet paper or his own hand. She might turn the table on him, forbidding him to use towels or tissues at all, and instead makes him lick up his own cum whether it be after masturbating, or cumming anywhere in or on her body.

When out together in public the wife teases the cuckold by commenting on other men, pointing out those she finds attractive and exactly what she finds sexy about them. She should willingly admit which of them might have potential as lovers. If the wife spots a man she’s particularly interested in, she should instruct her cuckold to approach the man, explain the nature of their cuckold marriage and offer to introduce the man to his wife. Once introduced, the wife can then decide if the cuckold is to stay or leave.

If the cuckold has a boss, colleague or acquaintance he doesn’t get along with, or even friends he is competitive with, the wife should take advantage. She should tease him that she wants to be fucked by one of those men, and remind him that they would surely flaunt it in the cuckolds face if one of them fucked her. When she sees any of them she should actively flirt with them and let her cuckold see her doing so. If she does get the chance, she should fuck them and then flaunt it to her cuckold.

The Bull picks up the wife at her home, and then takes her out for a traditional, romantic dinner at an upscale restaurant, with drinks and dancing afterward.  While using the appropriate amount of discretion, they enjoy a normal date together, with the wife being treated as a courted lady, fanning her romantic needs. At the end of the night the Bull brings her back home, and they go straight into the bedroom to consummate their night by mating in the marital bed. The cuckold is deliberately ignored, and is banished completely from everything on that night, as it’s all about the two of them as a couple.


How to cuckold your husband

This is more advanced than we are today, but we're heading in this direction (fast!!). I'm excited so I'm researching before hubby gets too far ahead of me. This stuff made a lot of sense to me so I stole it :)

                          CUCKOLDING YOUR HUBBY!

The cuckold fetish is about anything related to an unfaithful wife. Unfaithful is a controversial term, since the husband is always aware of everything (it's usually HIS idea). The argument is that the wife is having sex with someone besides her husband. So technically I guess it's cheating but like the shirt said how can it be cheating if my husband is watching??? LOL

Cuckold is the fastest growing alternative lifestyle in America. It differs from other fetishes that are connected to an object and its texture, form, smell, etc. Instead, cuckold is entirely psychological. It's the psychology itself that makes a cuckold, more than the actual cuckolding acts themselves. 

Cuckolds derive pleasure from the loss of control, and to some extent the humiliation of the situation. They want their wife to assume a more dominant role, take charge, and engage an Alpha male who then assumes the role of primary bed-mate, giving her higher quality sexual experiences than the cuckold can provide. Those higher quality experiences reinvigorate the wife’s libido, reestablishing her sense of sexual well-being, and often her personal self esteem. The wife of a cuckold is called a Cuckoldress, which has a status similar to a sexual Goddess in the eyes of the cuckold, and he reveres everything about her. 

Cuckolding usually includes some humiliation and inadequacy, even if they are only perceived or created. These inadequacies often focus on penis size, erection quality, sexual performance, love-making skills, stamina, premature ejaculation, physical strength and more (oh so much more LOL).

Instead of seeking reassurance for these often faux inadequacies, cuckolds thrive on the reinforcement of their :shortcomings: and drawing stimulation from them. A typical case would be an exceptionally hung man pleasing the wife sexually while she expresses repeatedly to the cuckold how much better it feels than having sex with his “tiny wee wee”, or some similar derogatory description.

Men who enjoy cuckolding are usually highly intelligent and require sexual interaction that involves a higher level of mental and visual stimulation. This can be very rewarding for the wife, since a cuckold oriented husband will do almost anything for a woman who satisfies his urges. 

Because of the psychological roots, it’s important that the wife be VERY verbal throughout the cuckolding process. Verbal banter, combined with the resulting mental images and other visual stimulation, creates a psychological porridge on which the cuckold thrives.

Women can find it difficult to tell their husband things which they view as traditionally humiliating, especially on subjects such as a man’s penis size or sexual competence. While these are normally valid concerns about hurting his feelings, it’s important to understand that this is exactly where the cuckold husband finds his turn-ons. Verbalizing these points by the wife will actually make the cuckold a more attentive husband, and motivate him to be a better lover.

Strangely, many couples find that the wife’s lover is often equally endowed as the cuckold, or only slightly larger. Yet, because the mental imagery and role establishment is critical, the couple will often assign a pet name for the cuckold or his penis, such as Mr. Little Cock,  Mr. Wee-Wee, etc.

During sex with the cuckold the wife should be highly verbal, and frequently raise issues such as her desire for better lovers or men with larger endowment. She should verbalize her expectations for superior experiences with men (or a man) who isn’t shackled by the :shortcomings: of her cuckold husband. Done correctly, a wife in this situation will have a cuckold husband eating out of her hand, by providing the stimulation he craves.

Every cuckolding couple is different. No two have the exact same marriage. The wife should take the time to educate herself on the basics of cuckoldry and the options, and then be able to let her imagination run wild as she molds a unique cuckold relationship that best suits her and her cuckold husband. 

You can combine cuckold with swinging, bondage, group play, female domination, and dozens of other fetishes. You can have a regular lover, or see different men. You can play alone with your lovers, or have your cuckold with you at all times. You can allow your cuckold to have sex with you every day or just once a month. You can agree to rules and boundaries, or go with none. Many couples particularly enjoy the taboo factor of interracial sex, The Big Black Cock syndrome is rampant in cuckolding! What you choose is up to you and your cuckold husband (although you have more say than he does). 

Here are some tips for wives just learning about cuckolding.

1)    Learn to take control. This can take time to master, but the more you do it the easier it will become. Eventually it will become very enjoyable and second nature. Women can rule too! 

2)    Contrary to what you may read, sex with your cuckold is perfectly fine during times when you’re not seeing other men, provided you keep the cuckold theme burning. However, sex with your cuckold should slow down whenever you’re actively seeing other men (or a man). To secure the psychological impact of the husband’s cuckold status, it’s important to establish him as a secondary sexual provider when you're seeing others. When other men are in the picture, they should be the primary source of your sexual satisfaction. Your cuckold’s involvement should occur primarily AFTER your encounters with other men. When having sex with your cuckold hubby after another man, it’s important to be verbal, reminding him that you prefer the other man, because your cuckold doesn't satisfy for whatever reason (small dick, cums to fast, poor lover).

3)    Sex with your cuckold husband should be mostly acts other than intercourse, which you should rarely give. You want to establish that you are the source of his pleasure, and you decide when to dispense that pleasure. This includes timing, frequency, sex acts, etc. Intercourse should be reserved as a special treat. Handjobs, oral and even making your cuck masturbate need to be the normal methods of his release. Penetrative sex should be reserved as a reward, or for special occasions. I find it helpful to use different methods at different times, keeping my cuckold wondering and never letting him know what he to expect. 

4)    Include regular teasing in your daily routine. Use opportunities to drop hints and teases. Use nudity to tease, letting your cuckold husband see you nude often. Technology provides wonderful tools to keep your cuckold excited, including suggestive texts, emails, pictures, videos, online porn, etc. Make it part of your game. 

5)    Occasionally have your cuckold wear nothing but a shirt or T-shirt around the house. When passing him, GENTLY “flick”, poke or slap his penis, and comment on his small size. Say aloud how you need men with bigger ones or that you'll never be happy with just that. Make it clear to him that it’s inadequate and couldn’t possibly satisfy you. Compare it to your lovers cock. Hold his penis in your hand, giggle and remind him that you prefer men with “real cocks”. 

6)    If you know you have an upcoming 'date', be sure to tease your cuckold husband with suggestive comments to let him know you're excited, but don't have sex. Remind him that you’re 'saving yourself' for your lover. 

7)    The day of your date call your cuckold to the bedroom to undress you and help you prepare. He will love this. Remind him constantly of your excitement. If you shave your pussy before a date have your cuckold do it. Tell him you want it to be smooth for your lover, and so your cuckold can better clean you up after you get home.

8)     Have him dry your body after your bath or shower, perfume you and even paint your toenails. Remind him that it’s all to please your lover .

9)    Make him help you pick out the outfit and get dressed. Make sure to select sexy underclothes. Dress in extra revealing clothes than you wouldn’t normally wear for your husband. Consider going without panties, telling him these are the things your lover wants you to wear, and you’re doing it for him! 

10)  When out on your date remember you are in control. Have fun and enjoy a few special hours with your lover, and your cuckold (if he’s present). The importance of your dates cannot be understated as part of the cuckold relationship. Much of it comes down to the dates themselves. Savor the moment and be prepared to tell every detail later (oh how cucks LOVE the details LOL).

11)  If your cuckold is present at dinner when on a date, be sure to sit next to your lover and across the table from your cuckold. Make contact under the table. Run your hand up and down your lover's leg. Venture into his crotch if the covering allows. This will get your cuck’s imagination going. 

12)  After dinner let your cuckold play chauffer and drive you around a little before going to the motel, or home if that's what your plan is. Sit in the back seat and get to know each other. Allow your hands and lips do the talking. This will drive your cuckold wild, and will also get you and lover hot and horny. 

13)  When you get to the hotel room or bedroom, make your cuckold undress you for your lover. Make it clear to everyone that your cuckold is there only to watch how a «real man» makes love to a woman, and also as a cleanup boy for you (if you’re into that). 

14)  Whenever your cuckold is watching you make love with someone remember to be extremely verbal. Let your cucky know how good a «real cock» feels inside you, how much bigger it is, how much more you like it than his, how much you love being fucked by someone different, and be sure to make it obvious when you get off (no faking should be needed LOL). Talk about how small and undesirable your cuckold’s small penis is, now that you’re with a man with a «real cock». 

15)  After you finish, make your cuckold husband go down on you for cleanup. I will leave it to you as to how you go about it (ask or demand). But it’s extremely important to talk to him as he cleans you, telling him how great the sex was, how satisfied you are, and that this is his new role as your cuckold.

16)  If your lover will allow it, have your cuckold take pictures or videos. You will be able to use these to get yourself off when you can't have a lover. This really works for us, as I will often go over the pictures or watch a video while my cuckold eats my pussy.

For some fun play ideas, check out this List of Cuckold Ideas.

Threeway relationships are the bestest!

Creating the threeway Cuckold relationship

An enjoyable cuckolding environment is one where everyone involved receives what they need from the relationship. For a cuckold couple with a steady bull or lover, this means practicing cuckolding together as a group.

Mostly, this post focuses on those wives who are just starting to experience men outside your marriage with your husband’s encouragement.

In my view, cuckolding is most effective and enjoyable when practiced as a threesome and with all being present sometimes. Wives who primarily meet their boyfriend away from home are missing out on some of the best experiences and benefits in cuckolding.

Some couples new to the sharing lifestyle are initially intimidated by the idea of a semi-steady relationship with a man outside the marriage. Emotionally it’s viewed as very risky, but honestly, if it’s a true risk, a couple shouldn’t even be thinking about doing this.

The reality is that a steady guy or a few reliable companions for the wife is not only less risky in terms of physical and health safety, but is much more rewarding in terms of an overall, fulfilling experience. This regular contact will probably lead to deeper friendships and even some level of emotional connection between the wife and her lover(s). Don’t fear this intimacy - it’s healthy, expected and adds tremendously to the experience for everyone involved.

What if the boyfriend isn’t experienced with cuckold couples?
Even if the boyfriend is aware of the husband’s acquiescence to the wife’s extramarital relationship, many couples simply don’t know how to broach the topic of including the husband more directly. Most guys get skittish about this because they’re worried the husband wants inclusion sexually i.e. a threesome or they are nervous about being watched by the husband. Simply knowing what their concerns are is half the battle, so it’s important to get to the bottom of any objections they might raise.

It’s often up to the wife to initiate this threeway bonding. To do this she needs to create situations for both men to meet and interact. Perhaps instead of meeting her lover out, she should propose having him pick her up at home, so he can be introduced to the husband.
Ladies, invite your lover in for a few minutes before you leave on your date. Let him know beforehand this is what you want. Show excitement and let him know how much the situation turns you on. Kiss him openly in front of your husband. This may all seem puzzling at first, but both men will certainly identify with something that turns you on. This way the boyfriend can also see for himself that your husband has accepted a secondary role and is a willing participant in the relationship.

While out on dates and when talking with your lovers later, you should make a point of discussing your husband and his reactions to your dating; detail how excited your husband gets watching you prepare for your date, for example, or explain how your shared fantasies have led you to this point. The more you discuss the details of this lifestyle with your lovers the more information he’ll have to work with.

Enjoying your boyfriend at home…

Another suggestion is to invite your lover over for dinner at your place before you go out. This can give everyone an hour or more to openly talk and even discuss the lifestyle. The more time the three of you are together the more everyone will become comfortable within their roles.

It’s important that you be openly flirtatious, possibly even intimate, with your lover while your husband is present. Use these times to establish which man is your priority. Perhaps give your husband small tasks to perform while you entertain your lover, such as getting drinks or tell him to hang up your boyfriend’s jacket . This demonstrates that you are the one in control when your boyfriend is present. When he returns, he should find you on your boyfriend’s lap or snuggled up to him on the couch, your hands playfully stroking the bulge of your boyfriend’s cock.

You may even need to be a bit aggressive with an inexperienced guy, even an otherwise dominant one, until he becomes comfortable with the situation and gets his head around the idea of you spurning your husband for him. Do not be bashful during this important phase. I know this can be a challenge for many wives unfamiliar with being the aggressor, but simply think of it as a game and force yourself until it becomes a bit more natural. Once your boyfriend warms up to it all you will no longer be playing that role!

When you’re on dates, think about calling your husband. Encourage your boyfriend to listen as you tease your husband with a description of what’s going on. Perhaps you’re in a restaurant and you tease your husband with the knowledge that your boyfriend’s hand is on your bare thigh, under your skirt, just a couple inches from where he can’t be tonight. Or call your husband from your boyfriend’s place - just imagine what you could tell him.

This all lets your boyfriend come to better understand the dynamics of cuckolding, and also lets him directly see and feel how it turns you on to do it.

As you move further into the relationship, encourage contact between both of your men. Before a date, have your husband call your boyfriend and ask him what outfit he’d like you to wear. Give your husband several options to mention - either whole outfits or even simply ask if he wants you to wear a skirt or a dress. This interaction can prove exciting to all three of you (and it’s fun!).

Eventually, picking you up at home and having dinner with you at home will then lead to making out at home and going to bed without ever leaving the house. Dating out is still recommended, but sometimes you want to go out…and sometimes you just want to stay in. Do it both ways with you lover, in the presence of your husband.

Having sex in front of your husband can be one of the biggest turning points in your relationship with your lover, and in your life if you’ve never done it before. Some couples approach this gradually. At first the husband may just observe the foreplay and fondling, before the wife and lover dismiss the husband, or adjourn to the privacy of a bedroom. In future visits the husband may be directed to help remove bits of the wife’s clothing, or simply watch as she disrobes for her lover.

Graduating to full on sex in front of the husband can be exciting for you the wife, but it can also be intimidating for your boyfriend. One way to overcome this intimidation is to make it clear to your boyfriend is your primary focus and your husband is only an observer. You will have already told your boyfriend that your husband isn’t allowed in the bedroom when he’s there except for those times when you call for him. Combined with previous events leading up to this point, and your bolstering his confidence, your boyfriend should begin to feel much less anxious taking you in your bed with your husband watching.

At this point, you begin to include your husband more by extending the foreplay outside the bedroom; getting naked for your boyfriend sooner, taking foreplay well beyond petting, even engaging in sex in the den, living room, etc., all while your cuckold husband is present.

Once this threshold is passed, your boyfriend will become comfortable in his position and should begin to enjoy asserting himself with you and your husband, and will be the one to call your husband into the bedroom to witness him entering you. This is particularly true if your boyfriend knows that your husband’s access to you sexually has been limited in preference to him, which some couples enjoy.

Good luck and happy loving!


A different kind of blind date

We've all been on blind dates. Do they ever turn out well, by the way?

I'm going to tell you about a different kind of blind date. This one definitely is more predictable and usually a lot more fun than the kind of blind date we all know and hate!

If you're a woman and you read this blog regularly, then it's safe to say you fuck around like me (or you think about it).

I enjoy having lovers in my life, in my bed, on the side, whatever. But it's not always possible to be with someone. I'm not always dating someone. They're not always available. Sometimes life just gets in the way. When that happens I don't stop having great sex. I just have to be more creative, and that usually involves my husband (contrary to some of my blogs I still love fucking him!).

Years ago we tried something that we still do, usually when I can't find the time (or the right guy) for the real thing. We call it a "Blind Date". It's really a sensory deprivation experience masquerading as a sex act, but don't rule it out. It's hotter than you might think and (to me) a satisfying way to get along until my next real date.

I love to fantasize. I do it more than most women, and probably more than some men. I didn't always fantasize. But once I began to do it I found I liked it. The more I liked it the more I did it. Soon it began to help my sex life and partly because of fantasies I ended up in this lifestyle and fucking other men.

When I can't see others, I fantasize more often. Here's one way to take your fantasies to a new level. Fantasies are in our minds (obviously). But they often get clouded with input from everyday life. I found that if you can block out your everyday life then your mind can better focus on your fantasy.

How? Think blindfolds and earplugs! Sight and sounds are our largest senses. Take them away and you won't have as much distraction. You can think more clearly and you can fantasize better.

Here are the basics for a Blind Date:

1. The wife is blindfolded where she cannot see anything, even out of the sides. Cotton pads on my eyes work best, held in place by a blindfold and maybe a scarf on top of that too, to keep anything from slipping off. NO peeking. That ruins everything instantly!

2. Ear plugs! Use good earplugs. CVS sells a good quality, soft, moldable wax earplug. Sensory deprivation is important to allow the woman to focus ONLY on her fantasies. She shouldn't be able to hear anyone or anything at all. Any sound intrudes into her fantasy.

3. The husband leaves the bedroom. The wife is on the bed naked, or wearing a negligee she would want to wear for a lover. She begins to pleasure herself to get things going. It's important that she pushes ALL thoughts of her husband OUT of her mind, and allows herself to think ONLY of her fantasy lover. She is NOT even married in her mind. ALL of her thoughts are as if she was with that lover at that moment. (It takes some mental discipline)

4. The husband stays out of the room for a sufficient time for the wife to get aroused and be totally into her fantasy. 20-30 minutes is usually right for me. But this is QUALITY alone time for the wife. It’s all about her and her thoughts. She needs to be in her own world and absorbed in her fantasy completely by the time the husband comes back in.

5. Position is critical. The wife must be COMFORTABLE and ACCESSIBLE. The husband MUST be able to have access to her sex and be able to enter her with a minimum of effort and a minimum of “signaling” (soft mattresses signal movement, firmer surfaces do not). For some, laying back naked and spread legged on the edge of the bed works. Doggy on the edge of the bed or chair (or even on the floor) works well for others. Regardless of position, the wife should be spread wide, very wet, and very aroused. In her mind she should have been through the foreplay part of lovemaking with her fantasy lover, and ready for "him" to fuck her (enter the husband as surrogate). Have extra lube on hand to insure that initial penetration is very pleasurable.

6. NO talking by the husband! He must do NOTHING that would interrupt the wife’s fantasizing about someone else. This is about the WIFE. SHE is the ONLY one who talks. However, she only “talks” to her fantasy lover, calling out HIS name, etc. For the Blind Date to work the best, she must FORGET her husband and BELIEVE that her fantasy lover is present. Scream out his name. Beg him to fuck you. Whatever you would really say and do with him.

7. When the wife is ready (after 20-30 minutes) the husband comes in SILENTLY and enjoys the sight of his wife masturbating and aroused by thoughts of another man. Since the wife cannot see or hear she has no idea she is no longer alone. Minimal foreplay is called for. NO kissing (it’s a giveaway). The husband should play with her just a little. Groping her breasts, clit massage, pussy fingering works well, just not a lot of touching places that don't need touching, and not too much of it. After all the wife knows the husbands touch, and that can ruin the fantasy.

8. Intercourse – The wife should be TOTALLY into her fantasy lover by now. NO thought of her husband should be in her mind at all. When he enters her, she should 100% imagine it is her lover, even telling “him” to fuck her, and calling out “his” name when she orgasms. Women – Give feedback. Respond to your “lover” as you would in person with him. Doing so WILL make it more real for you. If done right it can almost be so realistic it will seem UNREAL! Don’t be afraid to let loose and say whatever dirty things come to mind. Also do not be afraid to stimulate yourself to orgasm if need be, to keep the fantasy going in your head. If you need to finger your clit or squeeze your breast, do so. Be uninhibited. After all, you’re having sex with a lover NOT your husband. For the husband, knowing your wife is actually fantasizing about another man while you do her can be VERY HOT! Enjoy seeing her as she would be with “him”.

9. Afterwards - no questions and NO talking! Ladies – let him see you “spent” on the bed, as you would be after being fucked by another man. Or consider masturbating to one last orgasm, thinking of a second fuck by your lover (trust me your husband will not be able to leave until you finish). Husbands – It’s simple: just finish and leave! Go to another room and dress. Your wife will dress and follow later. That way she doesn't remove her blindfold and see you, which would destroy the illusion that she just had sex someone else.

10. For some women the hardest part is getting comfortable with the idea of a fantasy of another man having sex with her. This is a learned thing, but very enjoyable once they are able to get into it. Practice makes perfect. The first time may seem odd. TRY it again and it will be better. After a few times you will begin to enjoy it.

Tip – If you can’t already tell, the Blind Date is ALL ABOUT THE WIFE! It’s her fantasy scene, and her imaginary (or past/future) lover. What she wears, the position she chooses to be “taken” in, etc. must all match the fantasy she is imagining at that moment. She is in control of her fantasy. The husband is there just to “fill in” for the fantasy lover during intercourse.

Typical scene – The husband goes to the living room, and starts the countdown for a predetermined time (20-30 min). The wife goes the bedroom, puts on a sheer nightie (or gets nude), puts in her earplugs and blindfolds herself.

Then she lies back on the bed and begins to push away all thoughts of her husband. She imagines herself with her fantasy lover. She massages her breasts as he would, tugging at her nipples, rubbing her body as her lover would. As she warms up she moves her hands lower, along her stomach, rubbing her legs and her thighs, using the complete darkness and silence to block out any thoughts other than the man she most wants to be with. Her fingers find her slit and she begins to stroke herself as she imagines (and wishes!) her lover would do. She may reach an orgasm like this, or not, depending on what she prefers. As the time for fucking gets closer she should assume whichever position she fantasizes being in when her “lover” enters her (missionary, doggy on edge of bed, etc.). She should continue to masturbate and stimulate herself while she waits.

After the agreed time the husband silently comes in the room. The wife has no idea he is there. He may even watch her for a minute. Then he touches her a little (not too much). Rubbing her breasts, fingering her, etc. She will have no idea he is there until she's touched. The wife instantly assimilates his touch into her fantasy. In her mind it MUST BE her fantasy lover who is touching her. The husband takes just enough time to help her complete the “foreplay” part of her fantasy, and then advances the fantasy by entering her and completing the act, while the wife imagines it is her fantasy lover inside her. The wife may want to call out her lover’s name, or tell him what she wants. Doing this cements the illusion in the woman’s mind and helps her “believe” that her fantasy is reality.

After intercourse, the husband withdraws and leaves immediately. There is no talking or further intimacy. The wife might lay there and enjoy the afterglow as she comes down from the erotic high. When she removes her blindfold and earplugs she is completely alone, and the fantasy of being with another man is intact. She then gets dressed and rejoins her husband.

At that point some couples prefer to act as if nothing happened. I
f so, then it’s important that they ignore what just happened. No discussion and no questions at that time (later is fine). Doing so immediately will detract from the appeal of the fantasy. Others like to take this opportunity to move into another phase of fantasy, where the wife has just returned to her husband after the illusion of having a sexual tryst with another man, leading to additional sexual fantasies. It's whatever works for you.

Try it. If you don't like it, try it again. If after three times you don't like it, then you're probably reading the wrong blog.

Compersion = the only real solution for jealousy

This is a repost of something my husband got from a friend who is therapist. He believed this has helped him understand his feelings better and deal with any bouts of jealousy that he feels when I am with someone else.

I'm posting it because he suggested it. Maybe this can help others.

Compersion: The Only Way Out is To Dive In

One of the things pilots learn about flying is that many of the principals associated with flying go contrary to what would be common sense on four wheels. On wings, it's safer to be high rather than close to the ground, and it’s safer to go fast than to go slow. Certain things that you must do as a pilot will violate every instinct in your body -- such as when your airplane stalls, you need to point it directly at the ground to pick up speed and resume flying.

When we find ourselves in an "in love" situation, you could say that we trade in our wheels for wings. This new environment requires that we adapt to new logic. It is not always easy to keep an intimate relationship aloft, and one of the most disturbing things that can threaten staying aloft is the feeling of jealousy.

Compersion is about embracing and enjoying the fact that someone we love can find sexual pleasure, or even have feelings, with someone else. Becoming comfortable with compersion is akin to pointing the nose of an airplane down when you go into a stall created by jealousy. It takes courage to do this in any event, but it can often be the best way, if not the only way, to keep from crashing and preserve one’s sanity and the relationship.

Looked at another way, compersion is the full appreciation of another person's pleasure and indeed their existence -- something many relationships could use a lot more of. If we could indeed get there, this would be an excellent resolution for jealousy and other problems. Our relationships would be more interesting, more compassionate and best of all, make room for who we really are while allowing our partner to be whom they really are.

More than being a protective measure, compersion is a daring and courageous way to explore the emotional dynamics of pleasure and human interaction, as well as a way to work through problems created by attachment and guilt. It's a way to take a constructive approach to shame, embarrassment, or a sense of potential loss. For people who are considering opening up to their relationship to other partners, compersion makes the process safe and sane, and ultimately enhances the relationship.
It does not happen at once. Compersion takes practice and dedication, though like many things there are breakthroughs along the way; quantum leaps that take us from one dimension of feeling and self-awareness to another. It helps to think of compersion as a process rather than an emotion. It is a way of living, of perceiving the world, and of conceiving of who you and your partner are. It is a way of loving and respecting people as independent from you, something that's extremely challenging in a culture that extols the virtues of selfishness, possessiveness, control, and narcissism. Compersion is a way of creating closeness where there might instinctively be division.

Our Environment of Competition and Abandonment
While we're considering the subject of relationships, and jealousy in particular, we need to remember that in our society, the ideas we are given about love are competitive. Only one person is going to "get" you; for any individual, the chances are six billion to one. There seems to be not enough of anything for all of us, so we have to compete; we have to be Number One.

Most of our ideas about life and love are based on scarcity and possession. Even on a planet where you have billions of people without partners, many of them can't find a date on a Friday night. Have you ever considered how twisted that is? Such as when you're home alone and horny and want some company, and you realize there must be millions of people in this same condition? On a planet with so many people, you would think there would be nothing easier to find than other people. On a planet where so many people want sex, you would think there would be plenty of it. Yet even in this state of total abundance, we manage to turn it around and live in the midst of a horrid shortage. (No matter what people may have, or need, unless they're willing to give and receive -- generally in that order -- there is no interaction or exchange possible. That is part of the problem.)

In the desert of life, we tend to fear two things. What we fear most is abandonment. Even if that one special person has found us, or vice versa, the big fear is that we will lose them; that they will find someone else. Often, even when we find love, we live with a sense of incredible frailty, sensitivity and imminent doom. This is usually based on the fear of not being good enough; indeed, at times on a total absence of self-esteem. Loss of self-esteem can lead to jealousy in short order.

The second thing we fear is being too close to others, and having our true selves and secrets exposed. A great many people don't like who they are inside, and are terrified about the prospect of exposing this to others. Many people survive by making up a fake character, and if someone gets close to us, we may fear that they'll figure out we're empty and thus undeserving of love.

So, our relationships and desire to relate to one another are based on need created by being alone, and the rules are set by the fear of abandonment and the fear of uber-intimacy. This is different than it might be, were we surrounded and taught a philosophy of sharing, emotional abundance and self-acceptance.

An Alternative Theory of Jealousy

Before I offer a more detailed description and brief history of the idea of compersion, let's first visit an alternative theory of jealousy.

Some feel that jealousy is about potential loss, or the desire to be preferred, or a sense of competition because we all want the best, or it is a kind of extreme envy, where you want what someone else has. These are superficial issues that conceal the true spiritual matter beneath jealousy -- and if we stay on the surface, we miss the benefit we can get from encountering the deeper levels directly. Jealousy will haunt us and never become a teacher or ally. It can only be faced down and dealt with in order to overcome it.

Jealousy is actually the eruption of attachment, usually when a relationship is threatened by an outsider. The threat is a problem because of how closely we identify with our relationships as a major source of self-worth.

We often cling to one another due to the inherently transient nature of relationships, and sometimes out of material survival. Obsessive clinging is a struggle with a deeper issue -- we live in a constantly shifting, often hostile, world, where we often seem to have no solid ground to stand on. We struggle with trust, and the uncertainty of future. Jealousy evokes some or all of these conditions, manifesting itself as something that feels as ominous as the hand of death.

However, there is another factor involved – the ironic association of pleasure. Imagine a situation where you suspect (fear) your partner is having a sexual experience with someone else. The jolt of panic or intense anxiety that comes with this perception has a unique side affect. Even though we might feel panic, fear and even anger toward our partner, there is also passion involved. Beneath those painful feelings there is an undercurrent of erotic energy – invoking a sense of passion, which is a form of pleasure.

If one can push aside the initial fear and feelings of jealousy they are often surprised to discover a sense of arousal. Human psychology offers many theories for this, including sexual competition, etc. Regardless, it’s important to recognize the existence of arousal, and to be able to use it dislodge and replace the destructive feelings of jealousy and fear.

Indeed, this can be a smart survival technique. Rather than fighting the pain, focusing on conflict and endangering the relationship one should instead embrace the more pleasurable sense of arousal. In other words, the only way out is to dive in headfirst.

I can say that I’ve been able to do this with my own marriage. Upon a realization that she had likely been with another I dove straight into the feelings. Rather than focusing on the pain and negative feelings, I recognized how erotic it felt to imagine her being sexual.

I let those visions play out, over and over until I had made friends with them. At first my jealousy continued to circle. But in the ever-creeping flames of jealousy, my pain seemed to gradually burn up. Soon I found it much easier and pleasurable to focus on the arousal aspect. As a result I found myself accepting her needs, and the love I felt for her grew stronger. In truth, I was becoming a different more mature and more accepting person.

Later in our relationship she met another woman, and the two of them started a sexual relationship that eventually involved feelings that bordered on love. Their sex was passionate, beautiful, and incredible to behold -- and many times, it excluded me. I had choices: I could freak out, panic and feel abandoned, or I could expand my awareness and embrace what they shared.

At first I lived with the dual feelings; the pain of being excluded, and the exquisite enjoyment from being a participant and witness to the pleasure they shared together. Through this process I learned of compersion.

Once many people get over the initial shock of their partner being with another, if they would they search their true feelings they would likely find the idea of their partner having sex to be erotic. But it's definitely a form of pleasure that contradicts everything we're taught about relationships, and especially marriage. So many people do not give any consideration to the possibility of pleasure. They immediately turn to jealousy, giving it free reign to spread all of its destructiveness.

To overcome this, and turn to the pleasure side, it’s critical to recognize that complete acceptance, and indeed SURRENDER, is the first step. In truth, you cannot do anything about how other people feel or what they want. We cannot control others, even our own spouses. We can futilely try to gain control over others and the situation, or we can let go and surrender to the situation controlled by another. Letting go is intensely frightening. Yet it can ultimately lead to equally intense pleasure. For as much as we cling and struggle to control everyone and everything around us, what we need the most is to let go.

Like flying, we must do something that seems counterintuitive. In the middle of the fear, pain and sense of possible loss associated jealous feelings, the act of “Letting Go” feels much like pointing the nose of an airplane directly at the ground -- it violates common sense, and goes contrary to what we feel we should to do. After all, society tells us that there is no way you're supposed to be turned on by your spouse having sex with someone else, or aroused by the knowledge that they're wrapped in someone else's arms. Others would consider it masochistic. It's not socially acceptable. If you described such feelings to anyone else they might think you had lost your mind.

However, you may have actually found your mind. The point is simple: to be free you must let go and be accepting. Remember, that's not socially acceptable. Human beings often come to love the bonds that chain them; the rooms that imprison them. Some even love the drama of jealousy, its intensity, its pain. But they do so without going underneath to see what's there and why they feel the way the do.

Attachment provides a sense of belonging. There are people who don't feel loved unless their partner gets jealous. There are people who don't feel loved unless their partner experiences guilt for having any pleasure that doesn't involve them. The logic of monogamous guilt is, "He will be mad at me if I do something that feels good and I don't feel guilty." After a while this becomes a serious block to real love. Control, which is often exercised through guilt, is a direct obstacle to the space that love needs to be itself. Compersion undoes that. It allows what exists to be itself, without the control society demands that we place on one another in a marriage.

Compersion: The Word and the Concept

THE WORD, and more importantly the idea of, compersion was first introduced in the polygamous community. Among the many discoveries made in this community was that there were times when it was profoundly erotic to experience your partner loving or sharing pleasure with someone else. They believed it was important to have a word for this emotion, so people could talk about it more easily and even realize it was possible to feel this way. They called it compersion.

Compersion is much like compassion, but the origin, the core of the idea, is specifically sexual. You could say it's about recognizing what someone feels and embracing that. But I think that (like jealousy) it is closer to the existential level and can be a constructive intellectual building block for personal growth. Per means one or individual, so compersion is embracing the whole person and their experiences. This is supposed to be what love is about. Unfortunately, once guilt and jealousy get into the picture, who a person is as an individual ends up being eclipsed by who we want them to be or force them to be, through many forms of control.

If you follow the compersion experience, you will notice that it leads to a complete reversal of how we are supposed to experience life; it goes contrary to many of societies values of possession, control and monogamous commitment that characterize our relationships, especially marriage.

Compersion requires the complete acknowledgement AND acceptance of who your partner really is, in their entirety, and separate and apart from you. It entails all they may feel, desire, need, experience; their fears and repulsions and conflicts are all included. It’s holistic awareness of their individuality.

Many traditional relationships have nothing to do with this elusive concept of who a person really is. Even in more enlightened relationships, some can do this in certain aspects of life, except for sexual. Embracing and allowing a spouse complete freedom in the full spectrum of their erotic reality presents a specific challenge, because it has the real potential to relegate us to an empty place where we are no longer needed.

Embracing your partner and all their needs and giving them the freedom to express those needs, while acknowledging the risk of losing them, is necessary to let go. It is also entirely necessary in order to find a sense of fulfillment of real and true love. To do this we must acknowledge that the relationship can cease to exist, and be comfortable with the idea of being alone with only oneself. One must find themselves in that potentially empty space, and deal with the thought of being alone. Doing so can help one find a sense of self-awareness and personal confidence that they can not only survive but also thrive in such a temporary vacuum. Indeed it can make one better appreciate the relationship itself.

To offer another person your compersion is to offer them and yourself the autonomy necessary for each of us to be ourselves and for love to be itself. It is the living expression that only truth is erotic.

Why Bother?

We might wonder, why bother with all of this? Why not just have a typical monogamous relationship? Well, that works in theory. When we look closer at a human psyche, we discover that people are more complex than they are monogamous. Monogamy is constructed to suit societal goals, largely perpetuated by denying en masse what we really feel and need as human beings. We are taught to live within these structured arrangements, and to preserve the sanctity of the relationship above self, foregoing needs of the individual. Even in the most honest relationships most couples tend to avoid or deny anything or any situation that could potentially threaten the relationship. This often ends up creating personal, and sometimes sexual, frustrations that manifest themselves in destructive ways.

For example everyone, including married people, have erotic fantasies when they masturbate. Those fantasies often include people other than their spouse. Usually the way we deal with this is to ignore it. We retire to a private space within ourselves and hide part of ourselves there, away from our partner. We presume our partner will feel threatened, not understand, or criticize what we're thinking.

Yet, as it works out, that "private" space is usually the exact space that we need to share with our partners in order to have any sense of deep, true intellectual intimacy in a relationship. Within that region there are sure to be things that might be perceived to "threaten" the relationship; however, these are the very things that we need most to share. This is an example where compersion is a useful skill – allowing and encouraging a person to be who they truly are.

Few people love just one person. Many times, monogamous people have strong erotic feelings for others -- feelings they may feel guilty about. Opposite sex friends can be viewed as potential threats. After all, such friendships risk an emotional connection, and the relationship might turn sexual. So each partner may feel or convey some sense of guilt upon the other partner, short circuiting any possible connection. But doing so denies one or both partners from a potentially rewarding relationship. The guilt becomes the means by which people control one another. Compersion is the solution to such a situation, and end such toxic methods of controlling one another.

Once you learn to enjoy compersion as a base emotion and not just a concept, life gets much easier and fulfilling. You can give yourself more space to feel, give your partner more freedom and space to explore themselves and others, and their happiness will spill over into your life. You can learn to find happiness through the happiness of another. Love is truly deeper once you remove the competition and guilt.

Without jealousy and guilt, whatever you feel is okay.
After a while, what you need will become okay.
Then, what you do will be okay.
It will all become guiltless and healthier.

From the Idea to the Reality

Compersion may seem like a great idea -- but understanding the reality of it eludes many people. (This is how I now feel about monogamy.) Compersion is intellectual at first; ultimately it becomes emotional. It requires bravery because it involves letting go. It’s not possible to partially experience compersion -- you need to go all the way into it in order to actually feel it.

Compersion is brave for many reasons. It involves complete surrender of instinctual responses. It relinquishes possessiveness and control, trusting solely in love to preserve and support the relationship. It may involve sexual interaction with others of the same sex. If you're a man and you want to experience compersion, you have to get used to the fact that there may be another man in the room. The same could be said in reverse for women.

Compersion is also brave because one of the precursors of exploring compersion is consciously honoring the loyalty and friendship underneath the love-affair level of a relationship. It is gaining an honest understanding of why someone has you in his or her life at all. Unfortunately, that quality is very often lacking in modern relationships. You may not feel your relationship is strong enough to withstand the truth. But if this is true, then you may need to reconsider where you are and whom you are with.

As for how to learn compersion, in my relationship we started by sharing masturbation and fantasy with each other. This may seem like a baby step compared to having other people involved, but most of the deeper growth work can be, and SHOULD, be done one-on-one starting long before the inclusion of others. You do it by being extremely honest and then directing that honesty to one another, while witnessing one another masturbate or masturbating together.

After a while, when you’re both ready, then you can bring in other people. If there already is someone else, most of these ideas still apply. Indeed, sharing fantasy and masturbating should continue constantly, even as your partner continues to see another or others. It promotes communication and uses the external relationship to strengthen the marriage.

Compersion starts with telling the truth to your partner about all things erotic. This may be difficult at first, but it gets easier as you practice and build confidence. In this process, you may notice that one person or the other is more open to the idea of their partner's extracurricular fantasies, history or activities. Work in that direction first; at first it’s important to take the path of least resistance. Let the partner who is more comfortable sharing do the majority of the work and the talking.

You need to begin with an agreement of total amnesty. Whatever comes up in these exercises is allowed. Whatever comes out will not be held against the other. Neither must abuse their partner's honesty. You agree to support, discuss and share whatever your partner may feel. But mostly you grant yourself and one another the freedom to feel it and express it honestly. This is a lot of the process; as you will discover, much of compersion involves letting go of your own guilt about pleasure. Total honesty creates another level of personal freedom.

Each partner should feel free and be willing to share what they want, what they think about, and what they may have done -- including the details. Each should be equally free to question and answer questions, embellish as they wish, and indulge in the pleasure of the exercise every bit as much as the fantasies themselves. Note this is guilt free pleasure. Much of compersion involves letting go of monogamous guilt.
If one partner describes a fantasy of having sex with an entire wrestling team, they should feel free (and eventually eager) to share that. The other partner should have an equally enjoyable time hearing about it and giving their partner a way to express themselves.
Each is likely to get aroused. However, rather than having sex it is best to masturbate to each other’s fantasies. I highly suggest that you don't have sex. Rather, the idea is to keep some sense of separation, aware of the independence of your different fantasies and experiences, while appreciating each other as separate people.

If one partner reacts with any level of discomfort or gets jealous hearing what the other partner wants, this is the time to address and discuss such feelings. Go slowly, go gently, and feel for the opening. Each should know that it's safe to share every feeling.

When dealing with jealousy or emotional resistance in any form, let the fear have a voice. Let the fear speak up, and don't moralize it out of existence -- it will be more cooperative if it knows you're listening. Be aware that it is fear. This is an opportunity for the other partner to be reassuring. If someone goes into a jealous panic, you are getting a look at the real dynamics that underlie your relationship. Make sure you see them for what they are and deal with them before moving forward.

After a while, and with some practice, you may find that the energy can flow in both directions. But don't push each other too fast. Keep taking the path of least resistance. Notice your own inner resistance. If your spouse wants to have sex and this threatens you, notice the feeling of the jealousy, give it a voice, and question whether you really need to feel that way. Then go a shade deeper. Note, this is about going deeper; it won't work if you or your partner loves being superficial. Go deep within yourself and your relationship.

Pay close attention to what you go through. If, for example, you feel inadequate or excluded when your partner is describing a desire that does not involve you, notice that. Share it. Do NOT ignore it or hide it. DO NOT keep quiet about the truth in order to avoid it, and DO NOT refrain from sharing the truth to protect an ego. Egos must be set aside in order for the relationship to thrive.
In summary, I am proposing that partners get off to one another's fantasies and desires. I suggest that you be very, very open about this -- and that you spend a lot of time masturbating together. Not some time, but a LOT of time -- like half of all the sex you have, or more.

Compersion is an emotional skill set, and the way you begin to learn it is to expand your idea of masturbation to a joint effort, including every level -- fantasy, desire, the past, all of it. This has more than a mental effect; I believe the real effect is neurological. Compersion is a space you hold open in your heart and mind, and the easiest way to do that is by psychically and emotionally embracing your partner's self-given pleasure. Purge the need to control them, and embrace the pleasure of setting them free.

Compersion can lead to more than you thought sex could ever be. Admitting your whole erotic truth in the presence of your partner is extremely liberating; and it's a very big step for most. It's easier to give all than you may think. Once the truth is out, and once both partners feel safe being who they really are, a new depth of love will take over. It will make your sex better, and help you love your partner more. Most of all you actually get to be yourself, and let your partner be who they are. This is the true reward.

Work to maintain your compersion-based relationship. With the help of email, you can keep the energy of these discussions going around the clock, taking them any number of places. After a while, you might start to wonder how you could have ever been jealous in the first place. In time you will find that anything that turns your partner on will turn you on. Once you get to this space, then you can try anything and everything together.

Having other partners is tricky for many reasons, but if you reach this depth of communication, you have several key skills that make it possible -- the first one being honest about how you feel. The big step is living with your partner's sexual truths -- not the physical sex. Imagine them having sex. After all, this is what we do anyway when we read or look at erotica -- we are getting pleasure from the pleasure of others.

Declare your bed a free zone for erotic honesty. Weave a partnership of honesty around what you both need and build upon it.

Very few people can go through life satisfied with one sexual relationship at a time. Trying to do so conflicts with our natural instincts, and leads to sexual tensions. We can ease that sexual tension in a marriage by appreciating one another as independent, erotic beings. We need to recognize that everyone has an erotic realty that likely includes thoughts of others, or even a need for others, outside of the relationship. We should strive to embrace and even love that reality until we cannot help but enjoy it.

Compersion is about appreciating, recognizing, feeling, witnessing and loving -- all from a slight distance. It is also about respecting everyone's autonomy of feeling and their independence of expression if they choose to explore those feelings. It removes the pain of isolation and leads to deeply nourishing emotional and erotic experiences.