I get email from readers and some of you have asked what my husband thinks about it all. So I put together some questions readers have asked and then asked him to answer them for us. Here is what he said -
What is your husband like and why does he like this lifestyle?
What is your husband like and why does he like this lifestyle?
Answer: (his words) I think I'm a reasonably attractive, successful, faithful 45 year old college-educated man who is lucky to be married to the sexiest, most wonderful woman in the world. I do this because I want her to have as much happiness and pleasure in life as possible, and I get pleasure from knowing she does and being with her afterward. I've been told that I'm good in bed and I try to give my wife all that she can handle. But what I can't give her myself is the thrill of a new lover's caress, kiss and more. So I've granted her complete sexual freedom. I encourage her to expand her sexual horizons, with and without me. I love to see her grow as a person and a sexual being and it gives me personal satisfaction to be able to give her freedom to do that. She is brave enough to go after and get what she wants, and I respect her even more for having that courage. I love her with all my heart, and I will forever.
During your intimate times with your wife, do you try to 'replay' past exploits, and does your wife indulge you? And do you (or she, or both) engage in 'comparison talking'...i.e. the difference between you and others during these pillow talks?
During your intimate times with your wife, do you try to 'replay' past exploits, and does your wife indulge you? And do you (or she, or both) engage in 'comparison talking'...i.e. the difference between you and others during these pillow talks?
Answer: We often replay past exploits as well as potential new possibilities in bed. (I was going to say fantasies, but fantasy implies something beyond reach.) I usually bring it up, but she always enjoys it. My enjoyment stems from hers. She does do some comparison. I know that some men's dicks are bigger than mine, as well as what they do (and don't do) better. Knowing the differences can be part of the turn on for me.
Do you enjoy any humiliation talk/actions at all?
Answer: I want what she wants. I get most excited if she is doing something erotic that she truly wants to do it, as opposed to doing it because it excites me. If it doesn't excite her, then it often doesn't excite me. It's complicated. Humiliation doesn't apply to our relationship, as I am quite intimidating myself. Also, it's not in my wife's personality to give out humiliation so humiliation doesn't excite me. But if my wife liked it, (and she might like a guy dishing it out) I would probably want to do it for her. I honestly like doing erotic things that please my wife. That's the part that's most stimulating to me.
Are there ANY hard limits to your relationship? Are there any limits that you would not cross even if requested by your bride? Knowing her personality, does she seem likely to "push your envelope" with regard to sexual activities with or in the presence of one (or more) of her lovers?
Answer: Our relationship has few limits and the few we have are mostly practical. Every marriage requires honesty so we do agree that there are no secrets or secret lovers or anything like that. Secrets decay trust, so secrets are off limits. Also, since so much of our pleasure comes from sharing everything secrets would prevent that important element of our relationship. We both agree to be honest, even when the truth may be painful. Besides that my wife has agreed to always call me if she will be out late (after midnight). Also I cannot have sex or any relationship with another woman (nor do I wish to). That's really the limits for our relationship as my wife has almost total freedom. For my limits - My first reaction was: No, I have no limits. I would do anything she wanted if it really turned her on. But then thinking about it I would not do anything that caused physical harm and I'm not much into pain. But sexually there is probably very little I would not do if it pleased her. I would perform foreplay on her and let him be the one to fuck her. I would hold his cock and guide it into her. I have eaten cum out of her pussy. I'd endure her exploits with other men as frequently as she wanted, including overnight or out of town stays. I'd also be okay with her having someone else's baby and put my name on the birth certificate. I'd help her find a new guy every week or as often as she wanted, or help her catch the one special guy she wants long term and step aside as often as she wanted me to. I would agree to a live in lover if she wanted. But it has to be what she wants. If she wanted any of those things, then I want to do all of them (and more). She hasn't been the type to "push the envelope" in the past, but she has done some in the last year. I don't know how far she would push though. It hasn't hit any kind of limits yet that I was unable to handle.
Does your wife seem to have a 'type' of lover she likes - either personality (aggressive/dominant, player, etc.), or body type (swimmer, football player, Joe Sixpack) or 'other' (tattoos, cock size, 'bad boy' image, etc.)?
Answer: If I had to pick, I'd say her type (usually) is the player with a swimmers body, good looking, who's confident and fun to be with. Aggressive, but not too pushy. She prefers someone who knows he's sexy and he shows her that she is too. But also someone willing to be in a long-term relationship. She doesn't like game players, but who does?
In an ideal world, how often would you like to supplement your marital intimacy with 'others' - weekly, monthly, more/less?
Answer: For me it could be many times a week but it really comes down to as often as SHE wants. She usually sees others every week or two but that can be a lot more when she is first into someone. But in a (semi) ideal world, I think we would both want her to have a lover who lives very close by, or even with us. Then he could sleep with her in our king size bed on demand. They could have sex whenever they wanted, and I would have sex with her afterward whenever she wasn't too sore. LOL. Each night she could fuck him and then cuddle with me. Sometimes she would sleep with him in our bed. Other nights she would sleep with me. But she'd always have two men willing to please her - her husband and her lover. Sometimes she and her lover would hook up with other couples or singles for more fun. In an ideal world I'd maybe add in a girl to the mix. Someone hot and sexy that would sometimes be with my wife, or sometimes with her and her lover, and there'd be no jealousy. Now that's a fantasy!
It sounds like you two have an agreement for what you both like. Have you ever turned the tables in the bedroom and let her be completely in charge?
Answer: We've never come out and talked about it, but that has been happening more. She wasn't the take charge type of person until she got into this lifestyle. Her being in charge is new and different for her (and me). But it is something that feels natural when she brings a lover of her choosing into our bedroom without any input from me. It's understood that my needs are not as important as theirs. Then she turns her attention back to me. She doesn't always treat me as secondary when she's with someone else, but by paying attention only to him I guess you could say that it's implied that she's in charge. When she is with someone else then my needs are unimportant. Perhaps that is as close as we come to turning the tables.
Does she place limits on you... If so, what?
Answer: Like I said the only limits she places on me is that I can't fuck other women. Sometimes before she sees someone else we refrain from sex with each other but that is usually a mutual thing, not a one sided limit just on me. When she is out alone she will sometimes tell me not to call her cell or disturb her at certain times but again that is more of a practical thing to keep me from interrupting.
Do you two discuss (in conversation or fantasy/pillow talk) limits of the envelope you mentioned, or at they your assumptions? Do they change?
Answer: We've discussed everything I mentioned, multiple times and in depth. When I say she or I don't like something, I'm not guessing. I know. Her and my limits morph and change over time. She or I may see a movie scene or a pic of something that we didn't used to like and say that it looks interesting now. I'll talk to her about it so we can explore those feelings. Sometimes she will like something that she didn't before, as can I.
From your description, it seems as if your wife enjoys a more dominant lover in bed - and you seem to fit that role naturally. Do you think you have a submissive side (at least in the bedroom) that allows you to step aside for other men, leading to her Hotwife adventures?
Answer: I'm definitely a dominant lover (and else wise). I do willingly play a secondary role in bedroom settings, when she is with a lover. But it's not truly sub. What has led to my wife being a Hotwife is that I enjoy seeing her express herself sexually without the constraints most wives have. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is freed from her limits and encouraged to grow sexually with her husband supporting everything. This was a way for me to let her enjoy some of the fun I've had, by letting the shoe be on the other foot and giving her the freedom to experience things she enjoys. I don't see it as submissive, but would describe it as permissive.
Have you ever contemplated/discussed/practiced orgasm denial?
Answer: She has not been dominant so far and she has never practiced any form of denial with me. Like I said, we do agree sometimes not to have sex before she sees someone else. But it is a mutual decision for neither of us to have orgasms beforehand.
Would you really allow your wife to have another mans baby and put your name on the birth certificate? That seems extreme.
Answer: Yes, if my wife wanted that, I would do it for her. Some feel that it may be extreme. But the cuckold culture itself springs from the idea of a married woman engaging in sex with other men, with the likely possibility of conceiving and bearing a child of someone other than her husband. That's what a cuckold is and does by definition. Some may consider it extreme, but the only difference is the biological ancestry of the child. The child would be identical to any other child that's born and raised into a loving home, raised by loving parents. If she wanted that, I would agree to it.
Have you ever found yourself regretting your decision to be in the lifestyle?
Answer: Yes and no. The emotional conflicts of knowing your beloved is having sex with someone else can be gut wrenching. The intense arousal of knowing she is sharing herself sexually comes at a price. Learning to deal with that sometimes tore at me, inside until I learned how to deal with it. During those times I sometimes regretted doing this. Then I learned how to cope, and I grew as a person. I learned to trust my wife totally and believe in her and what we were doing. Once I did that all my fears subsided and the conflicts disappeared. I was able to enjoy the erotic side without the emotional conflicts. Now that I have been able to break through that wall I have no regrets and cannot imagine a more satisfying sex life.
Do you worry your wife could fall in love with someone else?
Answer: No more than any other husband in any other marriage I suppose. You see I (we) don't equate sex with love. My wife is able to have sex with other men just for the sex. There is no emotional entanglement. Love doesn't come from having sex. They are different. So I don't believe my wife is any more likely to fall in love with someone from having sex with them than she is meeting someone at work. If you trust your wife and believe in your relationship than you should have no worries.
And THAT is another reason why I love my husband!
:o)
