Pregnant pause

I peed on a stick tonight. And I waited...

I was late. Yes, that kind of late, and I'm usually punctual to a day. 

Intellectually I know that I do not want more children. I don't crave adding to my family. Once a month my body screams to procreate. This month I responded, as I have often done before. I saw someone twice last week. The sex was great. Fun was had by all. Then I was late and I got nervous.

I'm happy with my family. My children are getting older and more independent. I'm getting a little more space to be on my own, to sleep in on a Saturday, to perhaps sleep out on a Friday night. These are all wonderful things...and I don't need more children. I'm content.

But earlier this week when I realized that I was late it gave me pause. I found myself embracing the endless possibilities the universe could offer me. It made me smile and dream just a little...of booties and breastfeeding and a soft bundle in my arms.

I pictured a little girl - a void that I will admit I yearn almost painfully to fill. I let myself picture a round belly and feeling a baby lying on my chest. I imagined cuddles and sunshine and little blankets and sleepy mornings and nothing but the purest of love.

There is something so enticing to a woman about the lure of little fingers and toes. When you imagine it with abandon it is more compelling than anything else in the world. Although I am older and my body no longer screams impregnate me quite as loudly as it did - and although I don't plan for more babies - whenever I have let myself think of getting pregnant or think about a little baby, my heart sometimes misses a beat with delight.

When there is no plus sign on the stick, as was the case tonight (WHEW!), my relief was genuine. But I might mourn a little too, illogically. A ridiculous sense of loss for something that never was and never should be. But the thought remains buried just within my female psyche.

I fuck other men because it feels good and it excites me. My body wants me to fuck for another very different purpose. Sometimes it's fun to surrender to my instincts and humor them for the briefest of moments. I've let myself think about getting pregnant with a new lover. It could happen and the thought isn't altogether unexciting when I'm in the right mood.

Thinking about it may not be right. Maybe it's even selfish. But it's part of being a woman, which I am. I want to enjoy everything that goes with that.